Sadness

What is it that really gets to you?

For me its a phrase that I'd like to call, crowded loneliness. This is when you are constantly surrounded by other people but still feel even more alone then when you're by yourself because your not involved with anyone. I lived with 5 people this year who were not in my group of friends at any point. So often times we'd all be hanging out and they'd talk for like an hour about memories that they've had together and I wouldn't be in any of them, or if I was, they'd forget. A lot of times they'd recall a funny joke that I said but they'd remember it as someone else saying it just because I was less important in their life. Our parties would always consist of everyone else bringing their significant other, and even if they had a bad night they have a fine folk to talk to later. If I want to talk to a close friend of mine I could go on Facebook chat. Now I know its easy to say, just make them your close buddies. Its way too hard to breach into a group of friends that have known each other for four years. That's not to say we didn't have some great times. But when it came down to it, I always felt like I was the least liked person there, and that sucks knowing that. And the same goes for when you're transitting to work on a busy bus or in traffic. Just an awful feeling

A bit of a touchy subject I guess, I kinda struggle with random sadness/depression most of the time. I get the same feeling as you, but not really with my roommates. At work, definitely. A few people really like me at work, but most of the time people have discussions or talk and joke and I'm completely disconnected. I'm a bit of a loner so a lot of the time I don't care, but when I do try to joke around or be sociable with my coworkers it doesn't really amount to much.

A big thing is people changing. A couple of the my longtime friends have changed fairly drastically over the years. Everyone changes, myself included, but sometimes it's to the point to where certain people don't even seem like the same person. Like it's without progression. For example, one of my closest friends used to hang out all the time. We'd go hiking together, play music together and play video games all the time. Those were our three biggest hobbies, that we both shared. But now he's all about like cars and for some reason really into his job, and most of the time when we have time off and want to chill he doesn't really want to do anything like we used to. Pretty big bummer. My interests expand to, but I guess it's just a little upsetting when you've spent years sharing hobbies to suddenly not really have any in common anymore. Life is also busier these days, and that's a factor. Another one of my closer friends, I guess he hasn't really changed all that drastically, but when he went off to college we haven't really hung out since, whereas we used to always chill. Now he's really into getting stoned all the time which I'm not really down for.

An obvious one is women. Most of my sadness comes from three things

1. Relationship troubles with my last ex
2. Friendships changing
3. Shit job

The shit job doesn't really make me sad per say, but it definitely reduces my happiness exponentially

My friends from high school have changed quite a bit as well. They are really into these hardcore RPG type board games. I have zero interest in this. It seems like the only events they hold consist of magic cards or board games. I'm never invited to either because everyone knows I wont go anyways. But it still sucks that we have nothing to do anymore.

I almost feel like you have to go through a bad breakup so that you have thicker skin for next time

God, I can relate to that, as well as lonely loneliness. I've only ever really had one real friend (GuyIncognito), and I've come to terms with the fact that people don't want me as a full time friend, more so just a tissue to cry on and then throw away. My 'friends' in grade 8 were great. I spent every 15 minute break and lunch hour of every day crying in the bathroom stall at my school because they all started ignoring me because I wouldn't do drugs with them. Also some stuff about throwing up and crying every night so I didn't have to go to school, gaining 40 pounds, antidepressants... yadayadayada... Anyways, that was all good fun, but I left the school and it took them 3 months to notice I had left. But for some reason everyone seems to treat me this way. Other than Adam I don't actually have really any friends. It's kind of pathetic. I tried for a while but sort of gave up; I have a group of people I hang out with at school, but they couldn't really care less about me. I had one other friend, but I tried to open up to her about my depression once (which I had never done before), and she responded with "uugh... u done yet??". So. Other people kind of suck. You guys seem pretty cool though.

Similar to crowd loneliness, I get really sad when there's a game to be played or something competetive and everyone else is doing it. I usually just can't find the gall to beat anyone else because I'm confronted by my own shit self-esteem. I wonder irrational things like, "what makes me special? why should I win?" or "why am I even alive? surely someone else wants this more." and then I get angry with myself and can't really relate to anyone. Other than that, I only get saddened by people lying to me, thinking about all the friends I've lost and occasionally I'll see a really gorgeous girl that I know I could never be with (and again will wonder whether I deserve to in the first place). But I think thats pretty manageable for the most part. Nagger's really my most dependable friend. We've had a few bumps, but that guy's been there for me since the 4th grade and he's the only one that stuck around when shit got rough. Love him.

And Thea, them are some truly shit humans. People like that make school shootings look positively charitable.

The whole social thing just isn't really for me. Small talk just seems so easy for everyone, but when it's me everything I say seems so out of place. So mostly I've just given up on trying to be social. I don't need a ton of friends, just a few close ones, but I guess when it feels like your close friends are moving on it feels like maybe you've messed up even more.

School was a rough time, although I miss it every now and then. I went through a few different phases. When I was younger, I was happy and always wanting to be a part of the conversation or the fun. Usually I was bullied, so eventually I just stopped caring. In middle school, I was in the gifted/talented classes and I clicked with a lot of people. Those were some pretty good years, all of the same like 30 kids shared every class together. Had a solid ground of friends. High school came, and then it was like I was thrust back into the social thing again alone with everyone moving on. I had a few good friends, but I became so depressed/angry that I was not friendly with people. I was kinda a bully at times too, which is one of my huge regrets. I was only bullied in elementary school, but I guess I forgot how it felt. But now since high school, I've changed a lot with my outlook and spirituality and stuff. I've changed how I am with people, I always try to be friendly and do things for people. I feel like most people don't even notice, but luckily it's for me not for them. I want to be a good person. For example, at work if someone needs their shift covered I am on the first people asked because they known I will do it for them, but later on I won't be treated kindly so it's like it's immediately forgotten. I'm not treated badly, but it's like I'm not worth talking to or interacting with. It's weird. I don't understand why people cling so tightly to others who are careless and self-centered, but are disconnected from those who show them kindness. One of life's greatest mysteries I guess

I think its got to do with esteem. People that do nice things and go out of their way for others are usually assumed to be either: manipulative bastards that will ask something in return or a loser with nobody better so they're sucking up. I try to do the same, but most are so quick to put a knife in your spine, it doesnt seem worth it. haha humanity is a comedy.

i agree with axe on the whole "social" thing. i really don't have many friends, and not more than two really close ones. I don't see the point in befriending everyone you meet, and I certainly don't find it easy to do so. '

Axe wrote:

but when it's me everything I say seems so out of place.

But buddy I don't think you should let yourself believe this fallacy. Sure some people are more awkward than others, but we as humans have a tendency to overlook the positives and focus on the negatives. And some people do that a LOT. I really get the feeling you (like a lot of people) have a conversation with [purely based on conjecture and not implying that conversations can be critiqued by their points] 10 strong, comfortable points and 3 awkward points, and you come out of it saying it was hopelessly awkward. It's probably not as bad as you think

Gravy Gulper wrote:

And Thea, them are some truly shit humans. People like that make school shootings look positively charitable.

Haha, I know. I've sort of come to the conclusion that a good 98.9% of people in the world are absolute garbage. Although I try to be nice to everyone, regardless of how terrible I think they are, unless they're trying to hurt me or someone else.

But gosh, you shouldn't think so low of yourself. I'm guilty of it too sometimes, but you're very harsh on yourself. You seem like a really nice, hilarious and cool guy. Plus you have great taste in music. I've lost all of my old friends, but I'm better off without them. You should have more self-esteem, I'm quite surprised that you don't; I'm sure you're a billion times cooler than all the shit heads who stopped being your friend. Darn sorry, I went all girly and advice-y. Sorry if that was presumptuous or cheesy; I just hate seeing people do that to themselves.

Axe wrote:

For example, at work if someone needs their shift covered I am on the first people asked because they known I will do it for them, but later on I won't be treated kindly so it's like it's immediately forgotten. I'm not treated badly, but it's like I'm not worth talking to or interacting with. It's weird. I don't understand why people cling so tightly to others who are careless and self-centered, but are disconnected from those who show them kindness. One of life's greatest mysteries I guess.

I've wondered that myself too. It seems the people I most invest myself in or try to help are the ones who reject and forget me most. I still do try to help out people when I can, but I'm not hurt when they don't acknowledge it. It's weird though, I have a very similar story to you. I was bullied as a kid and then became sort of a bully because I was hanging out with the wrong kids. I found the guy on facebook like 4 years later and apologized for bullying him, it had been guilting me so much for those 4 years and it felt so good to apologize and be forgiven. You seem like a really nice and caring guy. It's a shame the nice people are the most likely to be ignored.

Sometimes it's really hard not to hate everyone...

fazango wrote:

But buddy I don't think you should let yourself believe this fallacy. Sure some people are more awkward than others, but we as humans have a tendency to overlook the positives and focus on the negatives. And some people do that a LOT. I really get the feeling you (like a lot of people) have a conversation with [purely based on conjecture and not implying that conversations can be critiqued by their points] 10 strong, comfortable points and 3 awkward points, and you come out of it saying it was hopelessly awkward. It's probably not as bad as you think

It's probably true. I have self-esteem problems, and I think I view the world as being crueler to me than it is. But I know I'm not totally off-base. One big thing I'm working on is positive thinking when it comes to stuff like this.

GeneParmesan wrote:

I've wondered that myself too. It seems the people I most invest myself in or try to help are the ones who reject and forget me most. I still do try to help out people when I can, but I'm not hurt when they don't acknowledge it. It's weird though, I have a very similar story to you. I was bullied as a kid and then became sort of a bully because I was hanging out with the wrong kids. I found the guy on facebook like 4 years later and apologized for bullying him, it had been guilting me so much for those 4 years and it felt so good to apologize and be forgiven. You seem like a really nice and caring guy. It's a shame the nice people are the most likely to be ignored.

Sometimes it's really hard not to hate everyone...

I appreciate that! I actually apologized for being the way I was to a few people over facebook, kind of funny how it works. Sometimes it still hits me how I used to treat people and it baffles me. I'm almost to the point to where I'm numb to people being ignored. If I'm not a part of the social thing going on around me, it usually doesn't bother me. As long as I can count on my family and friends, I'll be okay. That's all I really need. Plus it's great to come on here and talk about stuff with you guys, everyone on here is pretty freaking awesome to be quite honest.

GeneParmesan wrote:

But gosh, you shouldn't think so low of yourself. I'm guilty of it too sometimes, but you're very harsh on yourself. You seem like a really nice, hilarious and cool guy. Plus you have great taste in music. I've lost all of my old friends, but I'm better off without them. You should have more self-esteem, I'm quite surprised that you don't; I'm sure you're a billion times cooler than all the shit heads who stopped being your friend. Darn sorry, I went all girly and advice-y. Sorry if that was presumptuous or cheesy; I just hate seeing people do that to themselves.

bahaha guess I fooled ya. its funny though. because i havent really accomplished anything yet, the way i treat myself is one of the only things im proud of. its the reason that i can be perceptive when people need me to help them and its the reason i catch myself before i start making a Tony Cliffton of myself. so the way i grip the reigns isnt fun for me, but its the scaffold of my self-esteem and i like to believe that it keeps me from becoming even more alienated. im gonna keep reading your posts because i find this thread insightful, but i feel like im getting a self-esteem blowjob right now so im done posting i think.
EDIT: fazango - I approve of your new avatar. now you can tell all your friends about this glorious compliment i bestowed upon you.

Axe wrote:

I appreciate that! I actually apologized for being the way I was to a few people over facebook, kind of funny how it works. Sometimes it still hits me how I used to treat people and it baffles me. I'm almost to the point to where I'm numb to people being ignored. If I'm not a part of the social thing going on around me, it usually doesn't bother me. As long as I can count on my family and friends, I'll be okay. That's all I really need. Plus it's great to come on here and talk about stuff with you guys, everyone on here is pretty freaking awesome to be quite honest.

No problem. But yeah, It's pretty easy to get used to it after awhile. It's their loss anyways. and definitely; close friends, family and online friends seem to be much more reliable and are much more worth your time. Though it's difficult to find the few friends who'll actually stick around; and it's hard to form good friendships when you have trust issues from dealing with so much shit. Like I have a very hard time relating to girls because of my experiences in grade 8, so I tend to try to avoid them. But this forum is great, I'm glad Adam invited me here.

Gravy Gulper wrote:

im gonna keep reading your posts because i find this thread insightful, but i feel like im getting a self-esteem blowjob right now so im done posting i think.

Hahaha sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I'm pretty good at that. I'm probably going to head to bed anyways.

You guys all seem like awesome people and I hope to meet at least two of you this summer, we should start planning sooner than later.
I hate to copy your stories, but they seem pretty accurate to me too. The main bullies of my childhood were actually kids on my street. I would hang out with these two kids to play hockey with and one was a really good friend of mine and the other would not like me at all. But these two were the closer friends and the one that didn’t like me would always sort of start picking on me and it’d be awful. They’d trick me into trading them my best Pokemon and Hockey cards or trick me into thinking I broke something of theirs so I’d feel bad. Then at a later date I’d apologize to my good friend and he’d say “oh we were just joking.” I’d see that he’d feel guilty for being such a dick but it wouldn’t stop him from joining in on the bullying later. Then when I hit grade 8, I guess middleschool for you guys, there would be one kid that was just unbearable to be around and I did pick on him a few times. Probably one of the only times I did something like that because my friends all did it. Then on our final school trip I remember we were all in a photo together, and I did something so stupid, I put my hand in front of his face with the intensions of blocking him from being in the photo. My teacher pulled me aside and said, “You are being a follower, and you are being mean”. Truestory.jpg, Comingtomysenses.exe

Then there was highschool were I didn’t really have friends until the final half of Grade 12 when I guess I was getting a bit more handsome because that was the most attention I received from girls in my entire life, downhill after that. The three and a half years leading there sucked. Every time a teacher would say “Okay group project”, I’d be like fuck and would be worried about it the whole semester because it’d always be a struggle to get people to pair with me, which it was. I remember in grade 9, I came from a very small high school and didn’t know anyone so I only really had two guys I hung out, and if they weren’t there I would have no idea where to sit for lunch, which is another thing I’d worry about all day. Which did happen a few times. But these stories are so old they almost have no relevance.

Nowadays.mov
I want to talk about our final house party we had a month ago. I had a good handful of friends over and this was our goodbye party for University. This was going to be a night of drinking and telling everyone how much fun we had in our four years right? None of my close friends came, only people that were friends of my roommates showed up. This isn’t shocking as they don’t live too close. So there is this girl that I had a crush on in first year, which was four years ago. And all my roommates start bringing it up that this is my “one chance” to get her back! She has a boyfriend, I thought they were joking but they won’t let it die. She’s a good friend so I spent a lot of time talking to her and all my roommates started asking me about my progress or winking and I’m like, forgodsake.png. I just wanted to be left alone. Its pulling the heartstrings you know?
So one of my roommates comes by and looks at us and says “Why can’t you guys realize that you love each other?” To which my ladyfriend replies “He is my bff!” Cringe.mkv Notdrunkenoughforthis.mp3. That phrase was her way of shielding awkwardness, but still, can you please not do this? Being labelled as bff is embarrassing.
I go to grab another drink and another different roommate tells me that there’s not enough sleeping area and I should have her sleep next to me tonight. You know what, I feel like I would do this but because there is such an insinuation that these guys want me to hook up with her I didn’t want to follow through, she has a boyfriend, I’m not being a dick. So anyways at about 2am I decided I’m going to surf the Internet (the forums, probably posted drunkly things) and go to bed as a few of my other roommates did so. Nope not safe. The roommate who was hassling me the most comes into my room and starts yelling at me for being anti-social, and this was our last chance at having fun. Dramatic. So when my other roommates go to bed it’s because they are cool and probably sexing but its anti-social when I do it. So fuck it I go upstairs and I ran out of most of my drinks so I just poured vodka into my Gatorade. Fuck it, I’ll get sober as I get drunk. After about an hour or so I go to bed. What do you know, ladyfriend knocks on my door wanting to sleep next to me probably. For whatever reason I choose to ignore it. BYD, are you fucking dumb? I think opening that door would have said something about me that I did not want to say. Plus I would be so embarrassed if I spooned her or something. I ended up moving home a good month before my lease ended and ignored the “activities” that my roommates planned for us all to do. They weren’t thrilled about that but I just wanted to start work and make some money to pay off my godamn car accident which bothered me a lot. I destroyed my grandpa’s car and I got sued. I’m sick of being popular there for stupid reasons and not because they want to hang out with me, its because they want to get some kind of interesting storyline out of it. As “romantic” as it seems, it was just way too out of the blue, and I think I would have felt like a total dick. Even just sleeping next to her implies that I’m trying – you know what forget it
But I feel like the problem with this story is the mass double standards that are out to get me, things that I do appear anti-social. Like if I don’t want to go clubbing it’s an “excuse” but when you don’t it’s because you’re really cool its just you’re “broke” right now. Another example one time I was playing Max Payne 3 and I beat it in about three days. My roommate was like “Wooooow…You beat a full game? That’s so sad”. I was quite offended and replied “It isn’t very long and I had it on easy so it wasn’t hard.” So when you spend all day watching reality tv and refreshing Facebook that is the true way of spending your free time. But this is another thing. Actually no, there shouldn’t be such a stigma on gaming. At least I’m playing something, even it is lazy. I paid for my entertainment I should be able to enjoy it without getting my dick yanked. At one point my roommies forced me off the tv to watch a TV show about Midgets Running a Farm (oh my god! What if they have to sell it?!) and these three hicks doing jackass type stunts and in between making sleazy jokes about how good they were with women. They couldn’t be out of high school yet. They truly enjoyed the programming described.

Needmorefriendsthatlikeme.wav

breakyoudown wrote:

I think opening that door would have said something about me that I did not want to say

Firstly, this post compliments your avatar perfectly haha. Secondly, I thought this line was by far the most interesting part of your post. Please elaborate.

Gravy Gulper wrote:

breakyoudown wrote:

I think opening that door would have said something about me that I did not want to say

Firstly, this post compliments your avatar perfectly haha. Secondly, I thought this line was by far the most interesting part of your post. Please elaborate.

If for whatever reason down the road the couple does have a routine break up and she comes to me and there is some sort of revival of feelings, I would not want the memory of me hoping to score with her. The chances of this happening are slim, but I would have regretted it and I have no idea what she would be thinking. So out of respect for her and the context of the situation led me to do what I did

breakyoudown wrote:

Gravy Gulper wrote:

breakyoudown wrote:

I think opening that door would have said something about me that I did not want to say

Firstly, this post compliments your avatar perfectly haha. Secondly, I thought this line was by far the most interesting part of your post. Please elaborate.

If for whatever reason down the road the couple does have a routine break up and she comes to me and there is some sort of revival of feelings, I would not want the memory of me hoping to score with her. The chances of this happening are slim, but I would have regretted it and I have no idea what she would be thinking. So out of respect for her and the context of the situation led me to do what I did

That's very gentlemanly and smart of you. A good number of guys would have just gone for it then and there without a second thought.

Thanks, its good to have you guys see my point of view because my five roommates just viewed it as me being depressive and anti-social. They look at things from just a one-way street and it just baffles me how they aren't able to understand situations at a cognitive level. Oh you're feeling sad? It's because you're choosing to be. No, why would I do that?

I was a fairly popular dude in that house for the first half of the year. I'd get home from class and almost everyone would want to do something with me. One guy would want me to chill and watch him play Minecraft, another guy would want to play ping pong with me (I was really good and was the only one who would give him a challenge), a girl would want to go to the gym with me, another guy would want me to watch a movie with him, I was booked solid pretty much everyday and I felt great. Then I got this piece of garbage car accident and I just laid on my bed or on the couch the rest of the year and wasted it.
I left on such a bad note too. I still remember standing at the bottom of a staircase and all my friends were at the top. The distance between us was almost symbolic. I was there holding my bags and I could feel tension from false politeness on the other end. So small talk was over and I had six pairs of eyes staring at me and two of their girlfriends there too. I was holding my luggage. I was leaving and thus ignoring our last months of partying. To them, by me not acknowledging the events they thought I had no interest in being their friend. So I say "Alright guys, it's been a good year, I'll be back one more time this month to pick up my freezer, don't know if you guys will be here on the weekend" To which I got a reply saying
"Yeah, you're coming for the freezer, not to see us" I retort
"If you want to spin it that way you can make me look bad if you want. Anyways, it's been real. See you" I get some muffled "Byes"

Fuck. When I moved into that place I had a million hugs and handshakes greeting me. Then after this car accident and other events I just needed a change, moving home. Unfortunately nobody else could see that and just thought I started being a dick.

they aren't friends then byd. I wouldn't consider anyone who doesn't get stuff like that actual friends. honestly dude, I'd be saying good riddance.

It was such a fall from grace, that was half the reason I was never on here, I had so much to do with my friends

I remember on St.Patrick's day I went for a walk and when I came back I took my shoes off and put on my slippers and started tying them as I laid on the couch. Then one of my roommates see's this and screams "GET YOUR FUCKING BOOTS OFF THE CARPET"
I panic and throw my slippers off, and mumble that they are only slippers.
This was in front of a huge crowd of people and it was pretty embarrassing.
So I leave to make a pizza pocket and she comes over and tells me a joke to break the tension. I apologize for putting on my slippers and she says that they were drunkenly yelling at people all day.
Oh really? Had me fooled.

It was such a weird feeling. I'm the kind of guy who thinks of a lot of funny phrases to say. I kind of invent witty phrases.
And as I'd go around the house all of my roommates would start talking like me, and even people I haven't met would talk like me because they have been exposed to my roommates. I'd go upstairs and hear people playing Mario Kart and doing impersonations of people that I'd always do like Christopher Walken or Don Cherry. It would sound like they were trying to be me, trying to be Christopher Walken. Like they were trying to sound like my voice more than the actual other person. And these are people I haven't met. How is it that they adapt such a unique trait from me but treat me like a dick. Who knows

There are quite a few things that make me upset and sad, but I think the underlying cause of it is the inability to change situations and their outcome. The feeling of powerlessness is what gets me, and this applies to all aspects of my life. Whether the issue at hand is dealing with international issues of human rights and suffering, to dealing with the individuals choices of my friends and family, the problem of powerlessness is prevent in all of these situations. Now I do believe that I can do certain things and approach problems on multiple ways, sometimes even with the desired effects, but after something is done, then there isn't anything that you can do. It's a bit more abstract that what's been posted by all of you, but that just so happens to be my manner of thought.

Thanks for summarizing exactly what I wanted to say when I saw this thread, Taxer. It was miles long and there's no way to make a story out of something as abstract as collective powerlessness.

I can't feel it anymore? I don't know, I have a tough time trying to feeling sadness.

For me it's not really sadness but more apathy and lack of motivation to do anything

I feel like a lot of the time people don't take me seriously because I try to be very sweet and friendly. I try to see the best in people, but a lot of times they're just assholes, and despite my veneer of niceness I'd really just like to see their skin shaved off starting at their fingertips and then have them dropped into a vat of lemon juice. ( ͡° ͜ ʖ ͡°)